Really losing faith

So, I remade my personals ad and now I am just waiting to see if it get's accepted. Yahoo is so fucked up. Like, when my ad was first running, one moderator would approve my photo, but make me edit my ad. I do this and resubmit it, and then another moderator would approve the ad, but reject THE SAME picture. As if that's not bad enough, it takes sometimes up to three to four days before they even get around to review it, before they reject you and make you go through the whole process again. Oh great! The station I am listening to just started playing Jeff's favorite song ("Heaven" by DJ Sammy). This is killing me. God how I wanted things to work with him. Funny thing is, I've already caught him in a lie. He said he was giving his ex another chance. BULLSHIT! Get this...He took his personal ad down not too long after we started talking, right? But your personals account remains active until the billing period expires. Well, I had clipped his ad in my personals manager, and even though his ad is no longer active, it tells me that this account has been active within the last 24 hours. BUSTED! I should be a detective or something. I may not be the brightest bulb in the socket with some things, but I outshine all the others in other areas.So I am really beginning to wonder if all this heartache is even worth it, or if I should just go ahead and kill myself now. I honestly don't know how much more rejection I can take. It's so hard to remain positive when people keep pissing in my porridge. Ha! I just thought of that myself. (giggle)

The Winner Takes It All

From: JeffDate: Saturday, October 12, 2002 6:08 PMSubject: HeyHey, How's it going? I hope you are having a nice weekend. Well, I don't know howto say this, so I will just say it. Today, my ex came over for lunch and we had somelong discussions about life and what we would like and how we could be happy. Greg,I'm sorry but I feel I owe it to myself to give it another shot with him. I have tosay, this has been the most emotionally draining week of my life. Between my familycoming and this, and disappointing you. I just logged on, hoping to find you onlinebefore heading out to my parents until Monday. Greg, you are an absolutely amazing guy and I wish all the very best for you. I wantnothing more than for everyone to be as happy as they can be. I feel that right now,I owe it to myself to make this work with him. I even asked my dad for advice onthis one and if you knew how much that killed me, you would understand the turmoil i'vebeen through today. My dad's response was that if you love him and you know in yourheart you want to be with him and he feels the same way, you only live once and you owe itto each other to see what happens. He said I realize you can't get married to him,but your partnership is such that of a marriage equal and just because things were rockyin the past, you've both changed and grown and perhaps now can commit to making it work.For some reason, I never really listened to what my dad tells me but this time, itmakes total sense. I know that you are dying reading this and I wish there was another way I could tell youall this, but I wanted to try and attempt to explain where I was coming from in mythoughts/feelings. I want nothing more than for you to find someone that makes yourheart fill with joy and that he can give you his very all. I don't feel I can dothat now and it's not fair to either one of us. So, now that I've said all ofthis...I must go, my grandma is standing here waiting for me. Greg...know that I care for you very much and have learned to really like you over thelast few weeks. I wish you all the very most in happiness in your life and if you'dlike to be friends that would be great, but I will leave that up to you as I'm the one whohas hurt you. Take care and I will talk to you later. Jeff </p>Dear Jeff,Before I get started writing this, I need to tell you that I am reallyflooded by every emotion imaginable. I've started this reply five timesalready, and I don't know if I will ever get out a response that I will behappy with, and still have it be one that you can be happy with too. Iguess I will just say that I would like to remain friends with you. I'vetold you from the very beginning that all I wanted for you was that youwould be happy. It pains me to no end right now to think that you would goback to someone who had that chance once before, and that you would give himanother chance to do the very same thing again without having even letyourself meet me and get to know me better so that you could find that Ireally would have done anything to put a smile on your face, and tried evenharder to make sure you had all the love and support you would ever needfrom a partner. You had no way of knowing this, but if you had ever had abad day, and told me that all you needed was a hug or a kiss from me, my assreally would be in the car to drive the three hour stretch to give that toyou, and then I would turn back around and come home again. That's the kindof love I have and want to give someone, even if we don't live in the samecity at the time. You mentioned that you "owed it to yourself" to make itwork with him, so I truly hope that he not only makes the very best of thissecond chance, but will also treat you like a prince, because I would have.I would have loved the chance to show that to you.I said I want to remain friends though, and I mean that, so I will be hereto be the best friend I can be for you now. There has to be a catch though,and that is, you really do have to let me "be a friend". You kept leadingme to believe that we might one day be together as loving partners, and I amhonestly left now to believe that you never really intended on that everhappening, otherwise I would have been permitted to meet you.I am still holding these presents I bought for you, and I hope you will letme send them to you. I really do want you to have them. I bought them foryou, and was giving them to you with no strings attached, and so I stillconsider them to be yours. Please let this be the first thing you allow meto do as your friend. I mean that.I want you to know that I do still care about you, and always will. If hedoesn't treat you the way you deserve to be, I hope you will think of me.I'm reminded of the old song by Abba, "If you change your mind I'm the firstin line. Honey I'm still free, take a chance on me".Me